I really have a hard time being a mom sometimes. I just miss having a life. I don't know how to have a life anymore now that I have kids. I hate it. I go through this phase with every child. I just don't know who I am anymore. I am NOTHING like what Luna used be. I feel so lonely and isolated. I used to be so social. Those that knew me before kids would not believe how different my life is now.
I don't know how to change it. I used to have friends. I used to get calls. I used to have parties, dinners, gatherings. I used to organize outings. Now the only people I talk to seem to be the nursing staff at the pediatricians office and it mainly revolves around making sure shot records are up to date.
When I say I would plan parties, I don't mean something small. I remember one year my roommates and I had a Valentine's Day Party. It was so much fun. WE constructed a slide on our basement stairs to slide down to the dance floor with black lights, DJ, and Disco Ball. We heart attacked the main floor. Had funny cheese games and activities all over the place. I think we had at least 50 people there. The pile of shoes was crazy (it was winter in Michigan, sloshy wet snowy shoes had to stay by the door, which leached all the way across the kitchen!). I know there is a picture out there somewhere. How about that crazy 80's dance I did on Jan 9, 1999. ("Party like it's 1-9-99" Thank you Prince) Or all the Celebrity Balls.
I keep thinking someday I will have friends again that we do stuff with, but honestly, why will it be any different in the future. Somehow I have changed from an outgoing social butterfly to an awkward outcast. What happened? It used to be so easy for me. I am not the person Hubbs married. I don't even recognize myself. I try to use those abilities now with the kids, but things always seem to fall flat. It is like a disease. Social ineptness disease. I think it is a good thing I didn't know I would catch it before I had babies. I would have had my tubes tied!